I’ve been thinking about you for almost a week now. Wish that I could get through to you on the phone, just to hear your voice. Everything has been eating away at me, but there is nothing to change the fact that we’re miles apart, emotionally, but more importantly, physically. A fact that I am acutely aware of right now. My heart has been yearning to be near to you, and I really wish that I could wake up to you, like I used to, in the good, almost forgotten now days. Why does this all have to be so raw, and fresh like it happened yesterday? It’s been months since the last time I slept in your bed, months since I kissed you goodbye.
As much as I wish that you were only a distant memory, I recognize that you will not be a part of my past, until i can let the good times go. That is not going to happen before next year, I don’t think. Honestly, that scares me beyond belief. Dear God, I don’t know how much longer I can hold you in my heart. I surmise that in the four months that I spent with you, I unknowingly and inadvertently gave you a piece of my heart. And we all know that I should have known better. But it seems that I couldn’t help myself once I dived all in.
I just really wish that I had taken the time to be completely honest with you about how I felt about you. this is the best i can do. I remember the first time I met you, and remember being completely distracted by you, even if it was just for a moment. I was still in love with someone else at the time. It all seems so crazy looking back. Of course hindsight is useful in hindsight. Go ahead and smile, that was meant to make you smile. And how I miss your smile. This, like everything I have found the courage to write is written because I was reluctant to acknowledge how much I loved you, in person. I so desperately felt that I needed to hide the way you made me feel. The only exception to this being when we were all alone, and had nowhere to be, so I would let you pull me in and hold me close as we fell asleep.
Do you even understand how much I trusted you? I doubt it. i had watched you from afar and knew that you’d been in relationships with different people, and from as far as I could see they hadn’t ended so well. My friends also tried to keep you away from me. It didn’t work, and I was stubborn. I laugh about it now, and just count it as my naivety and my brash spontaneity. How I have suffered for it. I look now, and can clearly see there was a trail of heartbreak at your doorstep. But I realized that I wanted a chance to know you, so I took a risk, and even during the best moments I asked myself, is this a good idea?
This question hung around my neck like a ball and chain whenever I spent more than a few hours with you, but I saw your intellect, admired your affection for beauty, your love and zest for life and knew that I was falling for you. You were funny, loving, caring, smart, warm and so beautiful to me. Perhaps that’s why it hurts so bad to know that I had to let you go, even though I knew I would have to leave when I first approached you. I wanted to leave sooner, but couldn’t pull myself away because all I wanted to do was shower you with love and affection while we were together. It was foolish of me to think that anything that dark or beautiful could last long.