June 25, 2013
So, today grandma told me that Barry, his wife and 2 sons stopped by the house. They came by on Sunday and spent time in the afternoon. I thank sweet baby Jesus that i wasn’t here. i would have spazzed out. I have not seen him in years, and still cringe at the sound of his name. It’s taken me years to come to peace with him. I forgave him, but I haven’t forgotten that when I was younger he would kiss me on the mouth. Make me kiss him, even when i objected. There have been so many times when I just thank God that he hadn’t done more, and cannot imagine how young people learn to cope after being molested. In all honesty, I feel as though there are too many imbalances between children and adults. How on earth do people get away with some of the things they do? How are they allowed to take advantage of children?
Now I know the answer to that question is simply they wait until no one is looking. They take an opportunity, and then begin to make a habit of it. The reality of how he made me feel as a young girl has blurred my understanding of so much. I have only told two partners what happened to me. I felt like I was confessing some sort of dirty secret.
Feeling powerless made me angry. I used to be so angry all the time, and realized that my exploitation was the root. Men have tried to take advantage of me during every stage of my life, and I’ve kept it all to myself. I hope one day that I can be a resource to other young women living in fear, and struggling with telling someone, anyone.
It does not need to be abuse. Either way it is a damaging, and often traumatic experience. You feel like no one believes you, but tell your story anyway. Yes, they will question you, and may even blame you. Stick to your story, if you falter they’ll flatten you. Keep your resolve. If you don’t want to pursue judicial action, that is up to you, but if you think the person could go on to hurt others speak up.
I struggled with that possibility for years, and simply began to pray concerning everything in this matter. I could no longer live my life in constant, pain, anger and resentment. I needed to be free.