Have you ever felt so helpless, and alone that it’s paralyzing? Or maybe you can’t seem to “think positively” out of your state of mind? Everything seems challenging, and dealing with stuff just wears you out?
That’s how I feel right now. The darkness always seems to be a few steps behind and I am finding it increasingly difficult to run from it. I’ve been pushing away all the negative thoughts for the sake of being “strong” but there are days when I lose that fight. So the moment I heard the song, “Angels & Airwaves” I crumbled into tears and sadness. Angel was speaking to everything I’ve been thinking and feeling for months. The pain of loneliness, the idea of invisibility, the desperation, the fear of the future.
The irony of it is that is her music feels like a life jacket. Her words remind me, that I am not alone. That song, and the entire album, that is Dirty Gold is a reminder of life’s bittersweet moments. There is always someone who has encountered the challenges you’re facing. Sometimes you just have to hold your ground, whether it means standing defiantly or assuming the fetal position. Sometimes you just have to find a way to survive.
So that’s what I’m focusing on doing now. Continually looking for the silver lining, and trying to isolate the root of my continual grieving, my deep seated anger, and countless insecurities. For the first time in my life – now that I’m posing as an adult – I don’t continually have anyone around me. Before, there was always someone I could confide in, on almost a daily basis. I could show up at school or class or wherever, and vent to people I cared about. Mind you, that is what I’ve found more vital than anything else. It is more crucial to me that I care about the person I’m confiding in, than that they care about me. Let’s just say, I trust my feelings about others more than I trust their feelings about me. There! I said it. I won’t apologize for it either.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s comforting to have someone to talk to if you need to talk, but I’m not much of a talker to begin with. I have certainly cherished the people that have sat and talked me through things, but now that I don’t have that, I am back to my first refuge. Each person needs to find a way of releasing the emotions and sentiments. Experience has shown me that without an outlet, life’s challenges only grow larger.
I thank God that I have finally found a healthy and constructive outlet for these feelings. I find myself writing about everything in my life, just to get through the range of complex and confusing thoughts and ideas. I realized a long time ago, that the darkness that I was running from, was buried inside me, and that I needed to face everything. Luckily, I’ve finally learnt to face reality through my writing. For me, writing is my hiding place. So, when the music fades, that’s how I make sense of this world.
What’s your refuge?