So you’ve met a new girl and you really like her, but she just won’t open up. She doesn’t want you to get too close, and she kind of starts acting weird when you try to hold her hand. She doesn’t want to be seen as easy to get, but you’re not sure if “playing hard to get” is really what she’s even playing at. So after all the awkward texts, the random times she’s hung out with you, you’re probably wondering…why is she so insecure?
insecure: (adj.) subject to fears, doubts, etc; not self-confident or assured;
Well, there could be a range of reasons, but I am almost certain that it’s probably a combination of the following:
Even pretty girls get bullied. At some time or another every young woman is made to feel small, or less than. It doesn’t matter who does the bullying, a young woman’s confidence will forever be undermined by the insensitive attention given to her face, her nose, her smile, her weight, her body, her opinions. Given how long she’s been tormented, and how insidious the teasing and/or bullying it’s likely to be an uphill battle with compliments. You are going to have to be genuine, sincere and consistent. It’s the only way to undermine the damage done before she met you.
The Not so Nice “Friend”/Family Member
Let’s get it straight — Girls can be just as mean as guys. In fact, often times they are cruel. They flippantly say degrading things, and emotionally abuse each other for kicks. Trust me, I went to a Catholic girls school. No matter what anyone tells you, it’s almost impossible to recover from the damage a casual insult can have. Unfortunately, it goes both ways. Sometimes guys just blurt out what they’re thinking, without thinking. Reality is, people say dumb and mean things, so it’s likely that if your date’s afraid to go out with you again, it’s because someone made her believe she wasn’t a catch.
Ever been anyone’s second choice? Or perhaps, their pity pick, or maybe their plan B. It’s simple, if a guy likes mixed girls, but you remind him of home, then you’ll do. True story. It’s kinda tough to navigate all of those mixed messages, but a girl will bite the bullet if she thinks you’ve got potential. But what makes you think a guy like that will have anything nice to say about you when he’s angry?
Everyone knows that women date men that aren’t good for them. They put up with all manner of passive aggressive gaslighting, and endure all kinds of situations because they want to be liked, accepted, adored.
Once a girl starts dating these hopes suddenly come to the forefront. With the desire for acceptance, a whole new minefield emerges. With it she begins to imagine that she can cure the ones down on their luck, and bring love back into their lives. Ultimately falling for people who have no business being in her life, cause they’re not ready to walk away from their ex.
The Unavailable Crush
So, moving right along. Maybe this one’s my own fault…but I had the hugest crush on a younger guy while I was away at school. He was funny, and charming and very friendly. Maybe too friendly. There wasn’t a chance in hell he was ever going to date me, cause let’s just say, he was unavailable. There are a lot of people who are off the market, but aren’t ready to admit it. Now, I don’t hold it against the average person, but at least be upfront. I’ve completely lost count of the people I’ve been attracted to, who were “single” but really were not available, either because of sexual orientation, emotional unavailability or just not ready to shuffle their lives to fit me in.
Which leads us to the dreaded friend-zone! This alternate universe is occupied by the nice girls, with extra room for the late bloomers, and shy, conservative women. They don’t want to be sexualized or are uncertain in their femininity. It’s one thing to feel attractive despite your insecurities, another to be unable to see your beauty beyond them.
Stay in the friend-zone too long and you begin to struggle with self-esteem and self-image issues. Honestly, the friend-zone is where most insecurity breeds and dwells.
Last but certainly not least, I know that my struggle with my insecurities is exacerbated by the countless conversations about physical boundaries. I’ve been in the awkward scenario of really liking someone, but having to walk out of their apartment because I couldn’t get through to them. When you’ve got a one track mind, it’s easy to tell where you’re going. So the hook-up culture doesn’t help. No questions, no conversation, not even dinner and a movie.
Maybe I’ve just described you —-but I hope not. If however you find yourself thoroughly smitten by your new lady, try to avoid these scenarios, and please for goodness sake, don’t add to the list of reasons she’s insecure.