NaPoWriMo (2013)

April 1

They will remember us
for the day we died
At the hands of each other.
Fingers gripped along flesh
Tight around necks
Strangled, bruised, motionless.

They will remember us
for the way we died
Slowly left empty
breathless

They’ll remember us
for the day we died
We left everything
behind

 

April 2
Dirty Mirror
There’s a din that settles around my heart
when I think of you
All the memories, the laughter, the happiness,
the pain.
Screaming for my attention
Yearning to be remembered
Yet ignored.
All the things we said we’d do.We were friends

Then nothing.
There was chatter and life.
Then a stillness took its place,
breaking every bone in my body
Casting a dry spell, arid and mimicking
drought.We had something.

And then it fell off the wall.
Now all I have are the shards of glass,
the cuts, and a nasty scar on my heart.
Each reminds me to look at myself
Before I give my love away.

 

April 3
The cost of sleep

We were slain by their debt
Cut down before first light

The burden of our forefathers
indiscretions
Every investment squandered
at the hands of greedy men
And short-sightedness.
We were broken for their transgressions
Slaughtered by our wanting
Hoping for something for nothing
What were we doing
When poverty first crouched at our door?
Nothing but dreaming
Too lazy to move
Too drunk with nationhood to plan
Comfortable with today
Without envisioning the cost of tomorrow

 

April 4
the simplest betrayal
Darker than death’s face

Is the shape of your shadow as you walk
away from me
And turn the tables on what I think I  know

about love
Then I realize I know nothing
about life or love
And even less about reality.

I say that because I believed

so naively
that you  cared about me, even if just for
a moment.
My heart
so badly wanting a reason
to trust you
My mind hoping to find a reason not to.

 

April 5
white lines
We walked into the emptiness
and found ourselves there.
Corpses eager to be found

Bent on being discovered
Tripped on in the dark.And we drew white lines
Around our bodies,
Jagged edges along the nothingness
Of what we called solid
Flesh torn from spine to core.Trailing along for days
Batter bruised from searching for
magic, and purpose.
All we found was you,
And what was left of us.

April 6

you can’t let the darkness win.
the sadness will consume you if you let it
fight with all you have
let the light through the cracks
let it break down the hardness that’s found its way into your heart
stop what you’re doing
and speak light and life into your soul
forget not the goodness of your former days
turn bravely toward the future
and walk
take that first step toward hope
greatness will not meet you standing here.

April 7

wake up early
lay awake. watch you sleep.
i miss you
every inch. every smile.
your body fading from my memory.
too afraid to say i love you
too proud to admit
i think about you every day.
i miss you constantly.
the one that got away.

April 8

life hits you running
fast, quick, painful
like a hit and run from behind
you never see it coming
a stroke, a lay off, a rejection letter
all of a sudden paralyzed
hopeless reality
tomorrow not as bright as yesterday.
that longing to be free again
life’s not worth living
if you have nothing more to live for
than sleepless nights, failure and the disorienting gaze
of people who remind you of what you used to be.

April 9

all glory to God, all honor is His
let nothing be motivated by self
put aside your idols
and pursue righteousness
in your living and thinking
let your hearts be renewed

following honesty
knowing the cost of calvary
yearning for eternity
chase after life anew
life in Christ
reconciliation, blessing, victory

sin does not have to win
it does not have to define you
today is in His hands
tomorrow within His sight
the past swept away by His work
dream, hope and pray
doing all of this in Christ

April 10

we reside alongside mindless oblivion
and live beneath all the lies we’ve told
nothing hidden
everything open, under the light of honesty
conscience above reason
reality flanked by the words we left unsaid
how did we live like this for so long
burying our true selves everyday

April 11

i made you the villan of our story.
twisted memories of what really happened
misplaced virtue
misguided hopes of what could have been
and i hear your voice
keeping your love close

you are my father
you are my ex
you are my intimacy issues

April 12
“I consider myself a teacher
     lesson number one
heroes —there’s no such thing”

My mom was my hero. We had little
and she made it much
I never had need for anythng
but I resented the fact
That we never went on vacation
never took any trips
What young selfish wants in sight
of everything

In it all my mother never adressed my ungratefulness
She fought a deeper fight with my selfish self-righteousness
So on those days when my hubris must have made it unbearable for me to live with
My mother simply showered me with love
And taught me that everything wasn’t always about me

In fact, very little revolved around me or my needs
But her world seemed to,
I just didn’t know it then.

So when I consider heroism and self-sacrifice
It is not merely an abstract thing,
not merely words

Heroism has a face, my mother, her sisters, my grandmothers
Women who put aside themselves for their children

Women who offered me kindness when the world taught me pain

And sometimes I wish there were more men in my life that I could call hero,
But I’ve had heroines, in unlikely people.
Everyday feats, timeless commitment to making other people better.
That’s why I believe in heroes,
Yes there is such a thing.

April 13

walk up to the microphone
forget all my lines
remember all the poetry
forget the beat
but remember the rhyme

why be a poet
when i could be a thief
steal tangible things
instead of seeking to change minds

opinions only change if your audience is awake
and so far only half of the people that truly know me
are alive

April 14

they rearranged our culture
then sold us their lies
about blackness and beauty
strength and defiance
history and life
their definitions of us
bound to breasts, sex, and compliance
semi-colons
lives interrupted my rape
disfigured by separation of field and house
same mother, different father
different circumstance
our skin our map to freedom
our burden to bear
our cage to unlock
our first step to facing our fears

April 15

there were days when i wandered
through books, and watched
the pretender

considered nothing too far
or out of reach
dreams of becoming

there were hopes of travelling
youthful desires to see the world
ideas of attainable success

i wanted to write
longed to make a difference
thought working hard would do

then life met me with reality
and dreaming became futile
a waste of time and energy

April 16

Pray for Boston

smoke, ash, debris
everywhere
screams, anxiety
those rushing to help,
hasty running

blood, severed limbs
hysteria in the air
boston bombing
heartless cowardice
ticking bombs
guilty stares into our assumptions

home grown hope
uninvited terror
remember those who survived
we pray they live to run again

April 17

Feeding nightmares
Chasing demons
Racing towards thin
Hiding behind smiles when
My fears have faces
And my vices are tangible
I find them in food
Hide them on the second shelf
In the freezer with chocolate
Ice cream and sugary snacks.
I know my limits
And exceed them anyway
Watch my weight
And despise it in every way
I’ll never be thin enough
And fear being fat
Forever judging you
While you judge me
What a pair we make.
Feeding nightmares
Chasing demons

April 18

fire and fury
it seems everything’s in pieces
bodies, buildings, homes, families
blood on every sidewalk
pain on every face
how do we explain suffering to our children
does solidarity fade
when we do not know the victims
do not share their freedoms
do not share their names?
collateral damage on CNN
a tragic loss on NBC
does location matter
when hatred is fueled by indifference
no respect for life
you fly your flag over your privilege
i carry mine on my back
as we bury our loved ones
and wait for the next attack.

April 19

i’m proud of me
not because i did anything remarkable
but because i’m here

for years i’ve had little to no recognition
no encouragement
no one to remind me that i’m a fighter

yet here i am
despite being told i was no one
despite the endless rejection

the constant abuse
the never ending denial of praise
reiterating the sense of worthlessness

that comes with abandonment
with heartless ridicule
and defamed character

i want to remember those times I heard well done
but they only whisper through the noise
of your reprimand

i see my struggle each and every day
it wakes me from sleep
and keeps me breathing

i claim victory
i claim truth
i claim the faith that keeps me going

April 20

Day in, day out
Like a carousel, mindless routine
round and round
giving my soul for nothing
valueless notes
marked by faces
worth less than the paper its printed on
there is no redemption
in minimum wage
make a mockery of commitment
what is loyalty
when i am only a paycheck
no face. no family. no goals
just another asset
expendable. replaceable.
between you and the bottom line.

April 21

the hardest thing to do is to watch someone you loved
loving someone else
and all of the unanswered questions

April 22

killing me softly

there are no more tears
to be shed for you
or for our love
past, gone, lost
who will cherish you
when i’m gone
who will love me
now that you’re gone
quiet
we’ve discarded the best of us
there is the hollow
coursing pain
where you once resided
i cannot hold you dear
one more day
lest i die

April 23
Just another day, just another dollar
No dimes, no nickels, only cents
This is a reality I had forgotten
And wish to forget again

How does anyone raise a family
On chicken feed
Much less raise them out of poverty?
I suppose when things were good I didn’t see my privilege
But now that so much is uncertain
I feel the pain of every purchase
The tight grip of austerity
The pang of choosing cheap
Putting off for a rainy day
Yet trusting and obeying

In whose fields will I glean
For scraps
In whose coffers will I redeem
My sense of pride

April 24
I speak of what I know
And find that writing is only half the battle
When your past has a face
You no longer know
Your present resents your ambition
And your future is  laughing in your face
from the back of the pickup truck
As it drives away
And you just loaded your dreams
on the bed.

Sad scene?
Indeed
So the running never stops
You tie your shoe laces
Get new shoes
Get lost
Whatever it takes
To keep running
Cause no one’s gonna run for you.

April 25

rainbows & picnic baskets

there’s this itch
for you
that never goes away
it sways me when i’m lonely
reminds me that i had you once
lost you
just when you’d begun to know me.
i can still see you
miss the taste of you
resent these feelings
hate these memories
that lace up my longings
as i walk away
each time
one step closer to who i was before you ruined me

April 26

As their faces fall, they hang their heads
Gone are the days of happy laughter
Clever banter ad friendly words
They hardly recognize the person sitting
across the table,
Six years older in a single moment
miles apart
A distant memory – their first kiss
Their last fight- embroidered into their everyday lives

People change. They evolve with time
degrade before your eyes
Who are you? And what have you done
with the one I loved.

And a new chapter begins for both of them
now that the book they’ve been writing
Has broke its bindings
No more fighting for tomorrow
Today is its own battle

In love, everyone loses.

April 27
Thank You

wearing nothing but these tears
i am naked before you
you see every inch of me
all my desires and hopes
everything skin deep
all the details hidden beneath the scars
treasured in my heart

i lunge into your arms
you are the only place i have known safety
under the span of your wings
tucked in by your side
carried by you, my Savior
thank you for loving me
when i wanted only to disappear

April 28
I want to one day write about the beauty of all the things around me.
I long to speak of the goodness in my life
Yet I’m afraid to put those things here
Amidst the crying, and the tears
Lest my hearts small joys fade
I know contentment
And recognize its comfort
But I will always be reluctant to share it
For fear of tainting it, taunting it, ruining its flair

I’m afraid to show that side of myself
Lest you see that my heart carries more than darkness
And that I really do know how to smile.
I am selfish with all these things,
The good memories that made the bad ones worthwhile
The happy moments that kept me by your side

Yet I cannot bring myself to do it
All that is good in my life, the happiness I find
the uncounted moments that I’ve treasured in my heart
They are hidden,
because they are mine

April 29

There’s a moment of uncertainty,
And then we wait
For the fall

And sometimes it never comes
We simply count the steps
To making our lives better

But we become anxious
Nervousness on every side
That the floor will fall in with us

That everything will be gone
As quickly as it came
And in our weakness we must find faith

Invest in things we cannot see
Endure the unknown for the hope of what is within reach
We must take small steps,

Blind now
But trusting that the future can be ours
If we honestly give today our all.

April 30

some days are easier than others
i can breathe today
and sense the calm that presents itself in smiles